Oh yeah! My Christmas pictures

I changed the title of my blog cause, even though I tried not to make it so, it was depressing-sounding. I thought if I put survivor instead of victim that that would make all the difference. It didn't.

I got my pictures developed from the disposable camera I got for Christmas from April. The quality sucks, and I wasted so much film on pictures that I would have rather taken over. A big sarcastic shout out to Mike for losing my digital camera...


*obscene muttering*

So without further adoo, The Christmas Tree

It didn't look too great even before Cody pulled off all the "fun-looking" ones.

And then there's Cody, a radio control car, and sunglasses:

And finally a picture of them enjoying themselves in the midst of presents

So yeah, the rest are really not worth the hassle of putting them up. Maybe after this, I'll take a look at those Office programs and see if there's blog writer in there. Layout will be easier, I'm sure.

Springtime is coming, cause today was a beautiful day. I love spring. The Easter pictures are gonna suck, too cause Mike used the cell phone. I suppose its better than nothing at all and I should be grateful. But I'm irritable right now so grateful is not gonna happen.

yo

luf

Becky

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Gift For Mike

I need a wee bit of help here. See, I started making a gift for Mike (my husband of 6 years) and it was kinda "iffy"-I didn't know what I was doing with it. I knew I wanted it to be sentimental, so I thought about a day by day calendar with things on it from our relationship, perhaps something defining our relationship. So for the next few weeks, I would add to this list things that I thought made Mike and I different from other people. Obviously some things weren't all that unique, but a lot of them were cute, and all of them were sentimental. I've got almost a hundred of them, and his birthday is in a week and a half. So, yeah I don't think I can come up with another 165 random "Mike and Becky relationship definitions". I still might be able to, but I need a backup plan. What the hell do I do with all this?

Here's some examples:

• You know what size shoes I wear
• Your're famous eyeslashes; my famous hair
• I fell asleep and drooled on you when we met in person the first time
• You eat everything I make, even when the trial turns to error (why u eat burnt cookies, I'll never know)
• etc etc

I was thinking about writing them on little hearts and hanging them up in our bedroom from the ceiling, but our ceiling is too high for me (I have Mike change the lightbulbs). Maybe a hundred little hearts with those things wirtten on them all over the bed. Then he's gonna be expecting nookie....which I suppose is alright...hehe

I want him to be able to read each one, so can anyone give me some suggestions? I'm not satisfied with the ones I've got thus far.

The Bad Parent and The Good Parent

I made a mistake. In fact, I make many. I feel tremendous regret for some of the things that I've done. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I apologize when I do someone wrong. Even my kids...especially my kids.

When I went off my prozac a few months ago I saw it as a relief. I was saving money plus I was constantly forgetting anyway and that was making me feel guilty. It was a huge mistake as I can see that clearly now:

Things That Made Becky Cry:

1. Couldn't get comfy in my blankets
2. my hair was really dry last night
3. the bathtub has soap scum under the faucets
4. my hands were wrinkly from being in the bathtub too long
5. Cody and Adam were laughing and playing
6. Mike told Adam that I was ok, just sad
7. I had a headache (I have those everyday tho)
8. my sewing area is chaotic
9. I was cold at one point
10. I didn't feel like making coffee and I really wanted some
11. I thought Mike was being mean
12. We're kinda poor atm (just for now *wink*)
13. There were many times that I cried for no reason at all

I'm sure there were more, but you get the idea. So I turned myself in and requested a new antidepressant. Preferable one that doesnt have the decreased sex drive as a side effect, I told my doctor. He prescribed Wellbutrin XL (like thats gonna help in the price tag department) starting me at 150mg and I'm now 7 days into the normal 300mg dose.

Inserting some good news here---> I just recieved word that my immigration application for permanant record status is now "in process" which means that I am now eligible for OHIP which will save me $60 per month atleast.

But the damage was done. During some of my rageful encounters I destroyed a book shelf, broke some coat hangers, started a hole in the door, and of course the verbal abuse can't be overlooked. I shouted terrible things to the people I love the most. I lost control, because there's no way I would have consciencly said anything to hurt them. I beat myself up afterward, of course. Many times I came to my sons with my head drooped and tears of remorse streaming down my cheeks. I started with I'm sorry, gave my pitiful excuse, and aplogized again. I did the same with Mike. Thankfully Mike's understanding is a bit better than the kids, plus he had a crazy mother, so he's not new to severe anger.

Its very easy to beat myself up; always has been. I kinda take over where my older brothers left off. I blame myself for everything. I have the worst self esteem ever. Apparently, it was because my parents never apologized so I'm seeing how important that is. Because it wasn't their fault and it was clear that Thad and Phil were forced to apologize for something that wasn't their fault, why it just had to be mine then, right? It still is my fault and I've taken it into my adulthood. I still feel like I was a stupid and difficult child that never learned her lesson.

I saw my therapist this past Thursday. It almost seemed like she shrugged off my fits of rage to be something so simple as childhood experiences resurfacing, my stressful environment, and hormones. Simple so it would seem.

Here's the solution we came up with: For the childhood trauma, we need to work on that in therapy (that was my own persistance). For the hormones, I need to keep track of my period and mark the part in my lutel phase where my hormones are the most unbalanced. Since I knew what days were the worst last month, we were able to predict the rageful days of this month. So...hopefully knowing when the firing squad is gonna fire will make it easier....? Hm...

And then the stressfull environment: Not much to do here, just keep asking Lesa (my mother-in-law) to watch the kids and maybe one weekend we'll get lucky. Also I can look forward to the fact that after this hectic summer is over, both boys will be starting full days in school 5 days per week.

So the lesson for today is (*sigh* no I don't think I'm Jerry Springer, just can't find anything witty to say) make sure you aplogize to your kids when you've slipped up, cause otherwise they're gonna think its their fault and you don't want that. One big difference between a good person and a bad person is the good person admits their mistakes and tries to right it.

headache in my environment

Gee, there sure is a lot of blogs out there, something makes me think that mine isn't all that different. Seems like using pictures is important. We live in a viual world

I ran out of prozac a couple weeks ago (not like i was remembering before that) and have really been feeling it. Also ran out of ibuprofin and T4s so my headaches were nasty and I had to rely on my coping skills to ease the pain. Coping is important for anyone with chronic pain otherwise we spiral into a depression. There's a strong link there; emotional and physical pain. I often wonder which came first for me because one generally causes the other.

My family didn't believe that I was suffering from headaches; they believed I was suffering from lack of attention. Mom humored me by buying things like cod liver oil (3 tablespoons daily), and crushed aspirin on a spoon mixed with pancake syrup . It really makes me sad to this day to know that they had no sympathy for my pain and the things they did were just to try to get me to shut up. I was sent to my room to lay down (which laying down ironically causes a major increase in pain). No sense in dwelling on it now. As a grownup I find that it never gets me anywhere to blame, but I do it anyway.

I got my T4s refilled just the other day and my pain has dropped tremendously. Unfortunately opiates are bad I hear. I could talk about opiates, pain relief, and my personal experiances but you really can't get the whole picture unless you lived in my shoes.

As I read this book "All In My Head" by Paula Kamen I find that I'm really not all that different from others with daily headaches. In fact I'm actually the normal candiate for chronic headaches and migraines: childhood abuse (sexual, verbal, & emotional), lack of attention (big family), childhood trauma (brother dying and mom leaving), and overweight. All that makes my pain less real when you take it into account. Plus people already see me as a whiner.

Speaking of whining, Cody isn't allowing me much time to myself so I have to end this.

photophobia headache

Last night I was going to write on here but my head was killing me so I simply didn't.

I've been working on my hemp jewelry and posted a few of them on my Etsy. It really helps to relax me and makes me feel like I have another purpose (even if I'm not really making any money). Plus it gives me a slight creative release. I can't express as much as I want to but hey, its a start, right.

I took the kids to the airplane park yesterday and they had a lot of fun: we didn't need to spend a dime, either. When I got home though my headache was a flucuating 7/8 even 9 at a couple points. Mike came home shortly after we did and he immediately could tell I was hurting. He gives these sympathetic looks where he presses his lips together and spreads his brows while tilting his head ever so slightly. When he did that last night I paid close attention to how I may have appeared: i was wearing a little bit of makeup from the morning, mostly likely smudged a bit around the eyes and temples; normally I squint when my head hurts and I wasn't this time but my lids were heavy; also when I hugged him I just held onto him for a few moments and leaned into his chest pretending he was a giant magical pillow of pain and stress relief. I was also nauseous as hell which just means that my head was definately hurting badly.

I took a few more ibuprofin before the night was out and it seemed to settle it enough to sleep. This morning, however, it was back. I took some ibuprofin an hour ago and it seemed to have helped a wee bit. Thank goodness I ruled out rebound headaches time and time again because thats what any reader might assume and I assure you thats not it.

Cody and I just had lunch and we were gonna go outside and play for a bit but I'm not looking forward to it, honestly. The sunlight isn't good for me and will just diminish everything that the ibuprofin just accomplished. Plus I either sit there and watch him (maybe read or make some jewelry) or play with him which is fun for a little while but he cries when you wanna stop even if you've been blowing bubbles with him for hours. Gotta take care of my little Cody even when it causes me excruciating pain.

*deep breath* here we go...

luf
becky

chronic daily headache: Day 2

I'm supposed to be writing about my headache everyday (for research purposes not venting purposes) and its been weeks so so far I'm not doing all that well so maybe I can sum it up for ya because I know my pain well.



After recovering from bronchitis the days were nice for a while so the kids deserved to go outside and we did. When the days are nice and sunny I suffer from photophobia (sensitivity to light) and the wind causes an instant rise in pain. Pain steals my nice days, too.



And then of course here in southern Ontario we've been experiancing record breaking barometric pressure shifts. The weather goes up and down; up and down; up and down; up and friggin down again and it sucks so terribly. So this past week I've experianced 3 seperate migraines and headaches all above 7 on the painscale.

I cope. Thats me with a flucuating 7/8 migraine.

This morning I woke with a tiny number 3 headache which is good for me. I've been experiancing allergies associated with pollen I'm pretty sure and thats new. Thank goodness its tolerable. Just some watery eyes mostly and a little itchy-sneezy-nose-blowing stuff.

I'm thinking about testing for potato sensitivity. This may sound funny/odd to a new reader but the truth is that I've gone through and ruled out many many headache triggers and there really isnt much left to detox/introduce again.

luf
Headache Expert, Becky Greene