Why do certain people or certain situations spark very specific emotions?
For instance: jealousy.
I've battled with jealousy growing up because I had a big sister who was doted on constantly by our mother. She was encouraged throughout her life to be ambitious, to study hard and take pride in your life, your things, and your appearance. My mom complimented her on her talent and beauty regularly. My big sister reveled in gymnastics til she was 13 and moved on to cheerleading. With her honor roll grades, and her 21 year old boyfriend, she was the epitome of perfect.
If she were to read all that, she'd say, "Becky, you stole my clothes and ruined them! All. The. Time. You wormed your way into my slumber parties and annoyed us all! You cried about everything to get your way!"
I suppose you have to have both sides to be objective. That's me. Being objective.
*sly grin*
I stole her clothes for 1 simple reason: hers were better.
My parents put a lock on her door and gave her the only key. I still found a way.
My mom got me some cute my little pony hand me down undies from her friend's daughter. (that's gotta work, right?) I still (of fucking course) stole her clothes.
My sister went away to college. Anything she left behind, purpose or not, was mine. From 1995 til I moved out of the house, her things became mine.
Unfortunately, so did her responsibilities.
{I'll skip the tangent I was about to go on}
Back to jealousy: it was easy to be a little girl and jealous of your older sister who was better in every way. Can anyone from my family blame me?
I was frequently told to shut up by my sister and older brothers when I cried. I was told, "If you're gonna do that [crying], go up to your room and do it there" by my dad. Mom claims we had nothing in common, that's why she didn't do as many things with me, she says I gave up. I think it's because my mom and I had too much in common, so it was harder for us to get along and our patience decreased with time.
I had imaginary friends and students (yeah, i played pretend teacher) that would listen when I needed it. I whispered to them frequently because I felt hated for having strong emotions that resulted in tears.
And here was my big sister. Strong as a rock. She held her head up everywhere and if she ever felt vulnerable, you couldn't tell.
Seriously, can you really blame me for jealous feelings?
I dislike feelings of jealousy because they remind me of when I was 10.
This morning, I felt jealous. I found out that someone I'm trying to befriend has been "sleeping with the enemy" so to speak. Not literally, of course, and not an enemy. It's difficult to explain whilst keeping privacy so I'll just say the feelings were unwarranted, and yet, I felt them anyway.
Then the feelings of resentment came and I quickly found myself wishing something bad would happen. The consciousness of those feelings made me angry. I don't want to have qualities like that. I don't want to be one of those immature people who slash their ex's tires or prank call their enemies.
What do I do, then?
What do I do in this situation with .....*sigh* privacy
Why am I disliked for my sensitivity?
I already answered that one: it's cause the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
I want help. I want advice. I want my parents.
Unfortunately, my parents only respond to what they want to respond to and one of them doesn't keep secrets well. My dad is a wordsmith. Yeah, that's a new word for me, but it makes sense. You need to watch what words you use around and to him because he hears every word. Since my feelings are strong and I frequently stick my foot in my mouth, I get caught in Dad's headlights a lot. He usually repeats whatever I said in passing, in his incredulous voice. He then adds his disapproving eyebrow wrinkle and slight head shake for extra emphasis on your failures. He also speaks and writes a thousand times better than me.
Dad's not the one I can confide in. I'm all grown up and any feelings of immaturity are met with immediate disappointment. In fact, my entire life, with the exception of my husband and kids, feel like a disappointment to him. He would shake his head and wrinkle his brow if he read this, too.
Mom tells everything to my sister. I already feel like a failure in my sister's eyes. And anyone else to whom she speaks.
This post is becoming more and more like a journal entry. Ah well. You came and read this far, right?
Jealousy and resentment. How does one deal? Comment. Message. Ponder. Tweet. Whatevs.
lufbecky
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