Apparently this is just an online journal. So, if that's the case then assume this as my last will an testament.
I'm tired.
People I love are dying and I find myself jealous.
I keep smiling and then crying. Then smiling then crying. I hate it. The smiling isn't worth it. The crying is much more overbearing. It makes me lose hope.
I want to hug my grandma one last time and I can't because she's physically in another country. I was her Sugar Babe, that's what she called me. I used to walk to her house when I was 3 and request "num nums" which meant graham crackers. I don't remember that, but I remember her telling me many times with such a smile on her face. She loved her little Sugar Babe and I knew it.
Growing up Becky was easy when you're talking general, taking into account 3rd world countries....I felt alone in a house where 7 people lived.
Then a few times a year I'd see Grandma. When I was around, it was more of course. Mom always made sure I knew how much Grandma liked me. It wasn't until my dad disgustedly admitted that I was Grandma's favorite that I knew to what extent. Grandma is mom's mom. She didn't like my dad too much and for no real reason, other than he was a man. (At least that's what he said. I, however, know it's more complicated than that). Anyway, Grandma made me feel special in a big family where I was just another "Miller kid".
My Uncle Tom (Dad's big brother) made me feel special a few times. I've modestly tried reaching out to him but to no avail. I wish he still liked me....
Sorry, this is going nowhere.
I just want to hug my grandma. Right now. Really badly.
