I got some deep thoughts that need organizing so here goes. I just got back from a therapy appointment where my therapist inisists that I'm not the one with the problem-its society.
Ok, Society, listen up! I need a fucking break. I want to be a mother and a wife but apparently its a lot more difficult than I was led to believe. I dont regret having children and getting married so you single people, dont even go there. But I still need that place/space for myself.
Women all over the world are multitasking like crazy! Honestly, people, its not fair. We alone are responsible for raising children. An entire human being (more in most cases) is completely under our care 24/7. Everything we do/say is being scrutinized by tiny ears and eyes. While I'm sleeping I'm worrying. The next day, the next week, and years are all contantly being whirled around like crazy in my head. I have to think about me somehow at somepoint, so I have a cigarette or drink some coffee and write on here. But I need to let society know that this is simply not enough. There's books, magazine, coucelours, support groups all out there telling us what to do to make things better. How bout this? Get some fucking daycare for these poor women so we can take a bath and sleep in! Just once a week, or even a month! Anything is better than nothing.
Nothing is what we're doing. Maternity leave is for people to have a kid and then go back to work. You get 50% of your pay and 20% if your're a man. When you go back to work, if your kids' grandparents don't offer to babysit once in a while, your fit to be screwed. (i dont know what fit to be screwed means, i just wanted to say "worse than screwed" so that didnt quite do it, but i'm leaving this all here for comedic relief)
Now here in Canada we have "child tax benefit" and "baby bonus" which is far more than I can say for the states which is ...well...nothing. The Canadian government hands out anywhere from $50 to $300 per month to their citizens with children to help with things like childcare, medications, appointments, school clothing, etc. This is a really great thing that Canada does but its really not enough.
I was looking at getting subsidized childcare for the kids. I only needed a couple days a week so I could make my appointments (without frantically scraping somehwere for a bysitter at the last minute casue Mike's mom or cousin never showed up) but I would've loved having daycare all week and maybe trying to start my business idea or going back to school. Anyhoo the subsidy people told Mike and I that they needed $380 per month from us. After that, they said I could have daycare for one day a week or 5 days and it would all cost the same. They based it on how much Mike and I make. They never asked for our bills (the house that was forclosed on us, my $300/month medications, our ridiculous heat bill from shitty landlords, etc) so they think we're rich. I never would have gone for "subsidized" if I knew nothing about it actually was "subsidized"
So thank you, Canadian goverment (and more sarcastically to the states) for taking such good care of your mothers and wives. We're being neglected-plain and simple. The change that society is slowly heading towards is not going to happen soon enough to help me.
My mother in law won;t help because I told mike if he asked her for help that he has to tell her the truth. He told me that if told his mom the truth that she would never let it go. She would think and say terrible things. She might watch the kids like asked but he said to expect the worse response from her. She already thinks I'm the weakest person in the wolrd.
June, my therpaist, says that Lesa (Mike's mom) is one of two kinds of people. Her life revolves around power. I'm the other kind of person. My life is about love (empathy, kindness, respect). That part atleast made me feel better.
When I get angry at the kids for crying its because of my family who would get angry if I cried when I was little. I was told to stop and if i didn't, I was sent to my room cause "no one wanted to hear it".
Well of course no one wants to hear a poor little girl suffering from sadness and pain. (or in a lot of my cases it was from headaches and migraines that a 6 year old doesnt understand).
So immediately when Adam gets whiney sounding, I feel myself getting angry. I need to remind myself that thats not me. I dont like that anger and its not who I want to be. I want Adam to work through his feelings and learn the right way to release them.
Again, this is all justa tiny piece of the stresses. Some daycare would help me get this all sorted out. And if I could get it periodically then I'de be way more organized.
Society, please listen. In the old days new mothers had the help of the whole village, what the fuck happened to that? Did you all get selfish and ignorant? Raised by village idiots rather than good moral people?
Fix it. My children (and their future wives) deserve it.
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