The Bad Parent and The Good Parent

I made a mistake. In fact, I make many. I feel tremendous regret for some of the things that I've done. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I apologize when I do someone wrong. Even my kids...especially my kids.

When I went off my prozac a few months ago I saw it as a relief. I was saving money plus I was constantly forgetting anyway and that was making me feel guilty. It was a huge mistake as I can see that clearly now:

Things That Made Becky Cry:

1. Couldn't get comfy in my blankets
2. my hair was really dry last night
3. the bathtub has soap scum under the faucets
4. my hands were wrinkly from being in the bathtub too long
5. Cody and Adam were laughing and playing
6. Mike told Adam that I was ok, just sad
7. I had a headache (I have those everyday tho)
8. my sewing area is chaotic
9. I was cold at one point
10. I didn't feel like making coffee and I really wanted some
11. I thought Mike was being mean
12. We're kinda poor atm (just for now *wink*)
13. There were many times that I cried for no reason at all

I'm sure there were more, but you get the idea. So I turned myself in and requested a new antidepressant. Preferable one that doesnt have the decreased sex drive as a side effect, I told my doctor. He prescribed Wellbutrin XL (like thats gonna help in the price tag department) starting me at 150mg and I'm now 7 days into the normal 300mg dose.

Inserting some good news here---> I just recieved word that my immigration application for permanant record status is now "in process" which means that I am now eligible for OHIP which will save me $60 per month atleast.

But the damage was done. During some of my rageful encounters I destroyed a book shelf, broke some coat hangers, started a hole in the door, and of course the verbal abuse can't be overlooked. I shouted terrible things to the people I love the most. I lost control, because there's no way I would have consciencly said anything to hurt them. I beat myself up afterward, of course. Many times I came to my sons with my head drooped and tears of remorse streaming down my cheeks. I started with I'm sorry, gave my pitiful excuse, and aplogized again. I did the same with Mike. Thankfully Mike's understanding is a bit better than the kids, plus he had a crazy mother, so he's not new to severe anger.

Its very easy to beat myself up; always has been. I kinda take over where my older brothers left off. I blame myself for everything. I have the worst self esteem ever. Apparently, it was because my parents never apologized so I'm seeing how important that is. Because it wasn't their fault and it was clear that Thad and Phil were forced to apologize for something that wasn't their fault, why it just had to be mine then, right? It still is my fault and I've taken it into my adulthood. I still feel like I was a stupid and difficult child that never learned her lesson.

I saw my therapist this past Thursday. It almost seemed like she shrugged off my fits of rage to be something so simple as childhood experiences resurfacing, my stressful environment, and hormones. Simple so it would seem.

Here's the solution we came up with: For the childhood trauma, we need to work on that in therapy (that was my own persistance). For the hormones, I need to keep track of my period and mark the part in my lutel phase where my hormones are the most unbalanced. Since I knew what days were the worst last month, we were able to predict the rageful days of this month. So...hopefully knowing when the firing squad is gonna fire will make it easier....? Hm...

And then the stressfull environment: Not much to do here, just keep asking Lesa (my mother-in-law) to watch the kids and maybe one weekend we'll get lucky. Also I can look forward to the fact that after this hectic summer is over, both boys will be starting full days in school 5 days per week.

So the lesson for today is (*sigh* no I don't think I'm Jerry Springer, just can't find anything witty to say) make sure you aplogize to your kids when you've slipped up, cause otherwise they're gonna think its their fault and you don't want that. One big difference between a good person and a bad person is the good person admits their mistakes and tries to right it.